I. Of Moose & Men

[drop-cap]

Alaskans aren’t scared of bears. Alaskans are scared of moose. The moose? The jelly-nosed fuzzy-horned leaf-munching doofus that wanders the North? That moose. Moose (plural: moose) are taller than you’d think. They average out at 6’5” and weigh about a ton. When you hit a moose with your car, their legs splinter and amputate and their body comes crashing straight through your window. Death-by-moose carcass. It’s not uncommon up here. Moose-collision has its place though—it’s the easiest way to fill up your freezer with meat. There’s a local call-list one can sign up for granting the rights to a freshly killed road-moose. Should you pick up the phone in time, you’ve got to figure out how to haul the deceased behemoth off the asphalt and back home. Thankfully, there’s a local tow business that will do it for you, accepting only a portion of the moose as payment. “Happy Hookers,” they’re called. And they come highly recommended.

The senate campaign I’m working on up here (no, I’m not fishing) suffered three car accidents last month. In Anchorage, my Uber driver missed our highway exit three times. On the last go-around, having realized his mistake yet again, he stopped in the middle of the lane and started reversing to make it to our ramp. One more time: he stopped and reversed ON THE HIGHWAY. No, there wasn’t a moose.

Alaskans drive pickup trucks. I was told that I was going to drive a pickup truck too. Then I was told it was a stick-shift pickup truck. O, the inhumanity! I didn’t think I would survive a day—not on the Alaskan roads. Alaskan roads (the ones that aren’t just dirt) are covered in loose gravel. Their roads are frozen solid most of the year but they can’t use salt because it would make its way into the waterways and confuse the salmon. Hence the loose gravel. Wasilla, the town I’m in for now, is pockmarked with the worst potholes you’ve ever seen. Presumably this is where they get the loose gravel. Sarah Palin used to be the mayor. The two facts may be related. The sides of the roads, which they keep mowed down so drivers can potentially see a moose coming, have been taken over by men driving ATVs to and from the local bars. These haggard camo-wearing characters, presumably armed, provide a fun Grand Theft Auto-Alaska type feel to my afternoon commute.

It turns out my pickup truck isn’t actually a stick shift, I think they were just messing with a lower 48er. So I live another day! Until I hit a moose.

II. Plane v. Mountain

[drop-cap]

A high percentage of Alaskans fly planes, coasting right above the heads of the dreaded moose. And it makes good sense! Unlike anywhere else in the US (that isn’t an island), there are many communities in Alaska which are completely unconnected via road, or off the “road system.” It’s in these places where the “last frontier” still very much lies. Access to goods and services from elsewhere is severely limited—even the police may have to be flown in from hours away. So Alaskans fly a lot. But it doesn’t strike me as much safer than driving. Alaska boasts the highest rate of air-fatalities in the United States. Their politicians have a particular penchant for dying in the sky.

Nick Begich, Sr., a congressman (and Alaska has only one), died in 1972 when his plane “disappeared” in the Chugach mountains. Along with him on the ride was Democratic Louisiana Representative, House Majority Leader and Warren Commission member Hale Boggs, thus contributing to JFK-related conspiracy ever since. Despite Begich, Sr.’s untimely demise, he still managed to defeat his Republican opponent, Don Young, in the election which occurred the following week. Young, not one to remain defeated by a dead man, proudly flew to victory in the special election held to replace the deceased Begich. He held on as Alaska’s only congressional representative for 49 years (poetic for the 49th state). Perhaps with consideration to this symbolic tenure, his heart gave out on an Alaskan Airlines flight home in 2022. In the election to replace Young, Mary Peltola, a Democrat whose campaign for Senate I’m currently working on (necessary disclosure), coasted to victory over her opponents Sarah Palin and Nick Begich, III. Less than a year into serving, Peltola’s husband Eugene “Buzzy” Peltola, Jr., tragically crash-landed his bush plane in remote Western Alaska and added his name to this gross chronology. The crash was attributed to “an overload of moose meat and antlers attached to the side of the plane.”

But wait, there’s more!

Legendary senator Ted Stevens was an Alaskan who owned the sky. During the Second World War, Stevens served valiantly in the Army Air Corps, flying high-octane missions over the Himalayas, and other nearby mountain ranges which sound much less impressive than “the Himalayas” (though were presumably no less challenging). He flew with the “Flying Tigers” of the 14th Air Force. Watch out, Japan! In 1978, Steven’s luck in the air failed—partially—when a private plane he was a passenger on crash-landed at Anchorage International. The botched landing killed almost everyone aboard, including Steven’s wife Ann. But not Ted! Stevens served another 30 years in the Senate until he lost reelection in 2008. He promptly passed in fiery plane-death somewhere north of Dillingham the following year. Anchorage International was named after him… Because nothing says “safe flying” like Ted Stevens. 

I told this tragic saga, incredulously, to the woman who’s hosting me up here in AK, a 77-year-old whip-smart lifetime-Alaskan named Ginger. As it turns out, her first long-term partner and the father of one of her children was a famous Alaskan bush pilot. He died in a crash 40 years ago.

Alaska’s great. I never want to leave Alaska! I don’t think I can risk the trip.

‍